~Gerald Jampolsky

My ex and I met about 12 years ago in college, we both rented rooms in a house off campus (along with several others).  We quickly became best friends.  A year later, after everyone telling me how much he liked me, we got together and continued to live together, and eventually married in 2000, and moved to the Washington DC area in 2002. 

Now, reading all my other deep stuff entries (click here if you need to catch up), you can see that I was an emotional mess.  My family made me feel awful about myself, I did not fit in anywhere, was questioning being adopted and biracial, I was troubled, in college, drinking a lot, and very unhappy.  Unhappily in denial (a trend I learned well).  I needed to be loved, and I felt love for my ex, he was my best friend.  We were together for quite awhile before I started going through bouts of depression and anxiety, those were terrible, low times.   I got married, thinking it would make things better, I moved to DC area for him to pursue his political career thinking it would make things better.  Once we moved, he took jobs in other states working on campaigns, he was gone more than he was home, and I realized that not only could I survive on my own, but that I wanted to.  When he was home, I was unhappy, when he was away, I wasn't.

Then my ex got a job in Richmond, and we were going to move.  But that is when I realized I could not go, I could not keep doing this.  I had been unhappy for so long, and I finally was admitting to myself why.   His being away so much gave me the strength I had lacked for so long.

About a year ago today... that is when I did it.  I came home from being out a bit after work to my ex, he was outside with our dog, and I was waiting for him when he came in the door, and that's when I said it.  I told him I was unhappy.  That I had not been happy, and over the next heart wrenching week, I told him that I was not going with him to Richmond and that I did not want to be married to him, that I married him for the wrong reasons (I swore to myself I would be honest, no more lies, so when he asked, I was truthful).  It was the hardest thing I have ever done, hurting him was awful, even though I knew it was the best for both of us.  I did not love him the way I should, I didn't the day I married him.  And I have had such a hard time coming to terms with that, and for hurting him. 

This past year has been the hardest, yet happiest year of my life.  Things with Mike were going well, and it seemed for awhile the better things were with him, the harder I was on myself for what I did to my ex.  I was overwrought with guilt for the first few months, crying constantly, asking myself what kind of person would hurt another so much.  After time (and therapy) I put the guilt behind me, but I never forgave myself. 

While I was in LA this past December, after Mike left and I was on my own for a few days, I thought things through a bit, and came away forgiving myself.

One of my good friends told me after we spilt that she had no idea just how unhappy I was until she saw how happy I was now.  My ex is doing well, a great job in a field he loves, and he has been seeing someone.  It is so strange not seeing or talking to him like I did for so many years, but we are both moving on, it was a hard sacrifice, giving up that friendship and comfort, but I think it was worth it, for both our happiness.  But, it will always be the hardest thing I have ever done.