August 10, 2005

{An Explanation...}

I feel I should elaborate on my last post. Reading all your wonderful comments did help, thank you. But I think I should tell you more so you understand me a bit better.
 
When I say professionally, I mean at work - my day job (oh how I wish I could just create full time!). I think the main difference between what you guys see and what happens in my daily life is that with my collage, blog, website, etc, I can easily hide behind the internet - if that makes sense. At work, I am good at what I do, but I do not emulate that to others, making them try to explain or 'help' as they see it which always seems to make things go bad.
 
I grew up being told I was "too sensitive" all the time, and it was always said with a negative connotation. Being adopted, and looking different than my family and friends, I had to always try to fit in. People would (and still do) say things that are hurtful, and from that I have become very sensitive (oh how I hate to even type that) and I have a hard time holding my emotions in when I get upset. When I get angry or sad, I start to cry - not sobs, my eyes tear up and it is obvious to those around me that I am upset. They think it means I am taking whatever the cause is personally, which may or may not be true. I grew up in an environment where I was never told I was pretty or that I was smart, just that I was different. So I do not see myself as smart or pretty, or anything else, except different. Being different all your life makes you want to be ordinary. So I am sensitive to how others see me, and always wonder why people even like me.
 
I think I stayed in my last failed relationship too long because of my insecurities and lack of confidence. But now that it is effecting my work as well, I need to truly do something about it. Even Mike (bless his patient soul) gets upset with me when I put myself down - and the really awful part is that I do not even realize I am doing it! I do not know where the thoughts and words come from, just that they have always been with me, and I have never been able to chase them away.
 
Here is an example of how my twisted mind works: I am very upset with my weight. I am over weight and I can barely look at myself in the mirror without cringing. I tell myself I am going to start dieting, exercising, or what have you. But I never can do it. I have come to the conclusion, that out of all the things I would love to change about myself, my weight is the one thing I CAN change. So, it is hard to do. That sounds silly, but listen to my logic. If I change the things I can about myself that I do not like, and then once I am where I want to be, say weight wise... well, what if I still do not like who I am? What then? There is nothing left that is changeable. Although I guess in a sense that is not true - the essence of this is that I need to change my cognitive thinking. I am at least at a point where I can reasonably consider that my 'bad' thoughts may not all be true (in the past I would just not except that they could be anything BUT true), but I still need to change them, and the behaviors I adapt from having them.
 
I drive myself crazy - and after reading this I am sure you can see why!!
 

File Under: deep stuff